Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do
by Foxy-Fire6677
Summary: this is a list of things the Cullens and Swans are not allowed to do or what they do in secret. Some will shock you. R&R and send ideas. Assistance from Starthevampire. side story: What Really Happened.
1. Jasper

**Hi hope you love this new story well its a list but you get what i mean!**

**14 Things Jasper Hale is not allowed to do**

1. Tell Carlisle Bella has been lusting after him since see first saw him in the hospital.

2. Manipulate Jessica, and Bella's emotions to piss them off and start a cat fight.

3. Say 'Oh My God! Alice those jeans make you look fat!' and proceed to tell her that Bella agrees.

4. Do the Irish River Dance on Edwards's car.

5. Dance to Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, N'sync or anything to do with pop or candy pop….**(wait for it)**...naked.

6. Run through Forks High's cafeteria naked with a Bonner screaming "Free willie!"

7. Then make your brothers do the same by screwing with their emotions.

8. Screw with the emotions of Rosalie, Bella and Alice to make them have and all girl orgy.

9. Film it them sell it to the male student body and dics of Forks High School.

10. Prank-call Charlie and tell him Bella is really at make-out point with Edward, and not using protection. **(I don't know if Forks has one, but every town does so why not!)**

11. Tell Charlie that Edward takes her there every Friday and when he goes on his `camping trips.'

12. Eat Bella.

13. Then try to hide the body under Emmett's bed.

14. Create an army of vampire chip monk's then declarewar against Emmett's vampire squirrel army in the family's baseball field.


	2. Emmett

_**Hi here is another addition! If you have any ideas let me know! Ok!**_

**Thing Emmett Cullen is not allowed to do!**

1. Give Bella any sugar of any kind.

2. Get Bella drunk... then put her on a trampoline **(****Hockey-Girl32)** or a motorcycle.

3. Kidnap Bella and take and Alice with him so Edward can't find her.

4. Wear Carlisle's lab coat while play doctor with Rosalie *gag*Wink Wink*gag*

5. Wear Carlisle's lab coats at all. They will rip!

6. Listen to Bubble gum pop or any pop **Period!**

7. Teach Nessie how to burp the alphabet or make noises with her armpit.

8. Curse around or make inappropriate comments or jokes within hearing range of Nessie.

9. Picture Bella making out with Jacob, James, Mike, Eric, or any of the male population of Forks and La Push near Edward.

10. Sing…at all.

11. Act Gangsta with the bling-bling and all.

12. Cook for Bella.

13. Babysit Nessie.

14. Pull pranks.

15. Make an army of vampire squirrel.

**Hey if you want more Charlie's twilight angels then vote on my poll. And it would be your best interest to subscribe to my authors notes.**


	3. Chapter 3?

**Hi people this is an Authors Note! **

**Don't you dare click that 'X' button! This is important! Now take your hand of the damn mouse or mouse pad...GOOD!**

**MONKEY SEX! NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION LOKK BELOW!**

**Now read the following announcements!**

**#1 Charlie's Twilight Angels will continue soon.**

**#2 Gypsy Princess is in the process of being edited and will be updated soon.**

**#3 Ways to Piss Off Charlie Swan will be complete soon and the next chapters will be longer than it did at first. If no one reviews I will delete it.**

**#4 has any one read this story? If so tell me the name of both the Author and the story:**

**If anyone knows it please send it to me or put it on the review! Thanks! Description below!**

**Ok Bella moves to California from London to attend college and to get away from bad memories (Charlie is shanked or stabbed by someone outside their loath or house. Then she has bad sex to get over it.) Alice is her roommate and Edward is the player that tries to get into her pants. Bella refuses, till Alice put hot sauce on his tooth brush as a prank and after he gets cola they finally have sex! (The first lemon I ever read! It was awesome now I'm hooked!) Of course the whole freaking campus heard them and the gang talks about the types like creamers dead quiet and moaners. Then Edward talks her to dinner and pulls the 'you wanna go steady sugar' line. Ok this is out of order but bear with me. Bella is a gymnast and teaches Alice. Edward and jasper come in and Alice is like 'Bella can you put your leg behind your head' and she does and Edward and jasper get hard. Before my computer went blah! I WAS AT THE PART WHERE BELLAS GAY friend comes in and Edward get jealous. I hit caps by mistake and too lazy to retype it!**

***Please if you know this story please tell me the name!***

**If you close this window now Edward and Jacob will turn gay or worse Robert Pattinsin will turn gay with Taylor.**

**Now click here and comment!**


	4. Chapter 4: naked pics!

**A/N:**

**Hi everyone! Yes, this is an author's note not an update. I have a few announcements.**

**1. It's my sister's birthday! She is 14! **_**'Happy birthday to her, happy birthday to her!'**_

**2. I am emotionally and physically tired so no updates for maybe a week. Sorry, everyone needs rest.**

**3. If you have ANY ideas for****Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do**** let me know.**

**4. Will the authors egging Volturi Castle stop, if you don't they will eat you!**

**(End of announcements)**

**{Click me to get naked pictures of our favorite wolf boy!}**


	5. Chapter 5: My New Way With AN's!

A/N:

The bell rang like a screeching bird laying a huge egg on a hot day and the students of Forks High cringed as they sat in their assigned seat. Soon the schools morning announcements came on the TV. **(Like a news crew)**

A curly haired blonde wearing a news woman's suit appeared behind a desk holding papers with the morning announcements on them so she would remember.

"Hello I'm Fire-Fox6677! I'm very disappointed with my readers. I only received three reviews. I was hoping for more of a turn out for the newest chapter in Tainted Love 'Mother Nature at Work'." Her faces looked sad and dejected. "Is it because Edward is still in a coma ore because I had Billy Mays killed in my story?" then she looked horrified and pleading. "I love it when my readers review and leave commentary like my favorite reader and best web buddy Starthevampire. She writes really, really, really long reviews and they always have her thoughts and feelings on the chapter and some completely random stuff that makes me smile!" she smiled thinking of all the awesome reviews and personal messages that made her die laughing; but the her face became serious. "Be more like her or at least review when you add the story to alert or favorites list." Moving on to different announcement a picture of Alice and Edward popped up to the side of her head.

"Now for the next announcement I want to make clear that Edward is Alice's brother-in-law and NOT her brother. She is married to Jasper Cullen." The picture of Edward and Alice had change to one of Jasper.

"Next we have a new development in Charlie's Twilight Angels. A poll has been placed on the profile. The poll is for Bella's saloon outfit for her mission to bust a whore house that kidnapers under aged girls and well you know. The girls under cover to stop them and needs an outfit. Go and look up the addresses on the poll and vote. If you wish to see Alice and Rosalie's outfits they are on the profile under mission out fits. Don't worry this is their last mission before school." The picture was now a mutated looking meatloaf.

"Today's lunch will be macaroni surprise and something that was scraped out of the boy's locker room and deep fried. I feel sorry for you poor saps that have no choice but to eat it! Mahwahaha!" she is handed a note and laughs a little. A picture of a bat up nerd pops up.

"Will the bully of Eric Yorkie please report to the flag poles; you left his lights on. Also will Mike Newton place come to the office we found you hello kitty wallet yesterday." The school shook with laughter.

"All club members of the Cullen Stalkers Club have meeting after school at 4:00; Book Club at 3:30 and Science Club at 3:00. And that ends our announcements. Have a good day; Fire-Fox6677 out!!!!!" With that the TV shout off and the students moved to 1st period.

**How do you like my new A/N's!? I will do them like this from now on!**


	6. Bella Swan

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the car in my driveway.**

**Things Bella Swan is Not Allowed to Do**

1. Tell Jessica that Mike has the hotts for Tyler and that's why he dumped her.

2. 'Try' (key word: try) to seduce Edward with the aid of Jasper.

3. Claim Jasper made her all hot and bothered and she had to jump his bones.

4. Shred all of Rosalie and Alice's Gucci stuff with the help of Jacob.

5. Tell them that Emmett did it. Laugh and run when he chases Edward as he runs her piggy-back.

6. Purposely cut herself in front of Jasper and act offended when he attacks her.

7. Apply for a job at Wal-Mart just to piss off Alice because she signed Alice up as well.

8. Laugh at Alice while she is forced to work in the clothing department. Ha ha! She has to touch Wal-Mart cloths!

9. Squirt ketchup onto her hand and run into Emily's house with her hand holding her neck yelling "He bit me!" just to see what would happen.

10. Pretend to be asleep and start mumbling and moaning in pleasure then screaming out Jacobs or Mike's name or both at the same time.

11. Suck on a red lollipop in a tempting manner while with Edward and Charlie in the same room as you.

12. Give Edward a hand job under the lab table while in biology class. Act innocent when doing it. **(I have a dirty mind. I give no apology.)**

13. Yell 'Bite me!' at Edward in the cafeteria.

14. Pay an old man to have kinky thoughts about Edward and his brothers, including Mike. Ew!

15. Give M every guy sex eyes except Edward and the Cullen boys.

16. Walk up to mike and kiss him just to mess with him and Edwards heads.

17. Sleep in the nude for a night to scare the crap out of Edward when he crawls in to bed her.

18. Tell Charlie that Mike Newton tried to rape her.

19. Go cliff diving without safety.

20. Accept any type of sugar from anyone; especially Emmett.

21. Drink red bull, amp, or five our energy all together or separate.

**(****Starthevampire's idea's!)**

22. Make herself extremely horny while Jasper is in the room.

23. Ask Jasper sexual questions about Maria in front of Alice.

24. Borrow and crash Jakes Volkswagen Rabbit without asking.

25. "Decide" to have sex with Mike while Alice and Edward are in the room.

26. Hit Jake over the head with a crowbar to get him to wake up.

27. Get "Barbie Girl" or "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" stuck in Alice and Emmett's head while Edward is around.

28. Build a tower out of Edward's cds while he is out hunting.

29. Tell Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory that Edward wants them.

30. Have Charlie arrest one of the Cullens.

31. Ask Carlisle to give her the sex talk only vampire version while everyone else is in the house.

32. Ask Charlie to borrow his gun. When he asks why say that you want to see if it works on Jacob.

33. Tell Rose she is ugly.

34. Hang around the wolves all day so she smells like them and then go sleepover at the Cullen's.

35. Give Alice a makeover from hell.

36. Bring Emmett to Chuckie Cheese.

37. Get Jake to help cut up all of Alice's credit cards.

38. Blame it on Rose.

39. Tell her a good retaliation would be to cut up Rose's credit cards.

40. When Rose gets mad, tell her a good retaliation would be to destroy Alice's new wardrobe.

41. Tell Alice that Edward wants to go shopping.

42. Hang out in La Push all day and when Edward asks why don't look him in the eye and say nothing nervously.

43. Convince Alice that cardboard is the new fashion trend.

44. Tell Emmett that Jacob and Mike think that Rose is hot and are always having fantasies about what it would be like to have sex with her while making sure to describe said fantasies in detail.

45. Convince Edward to help with number 44.

46. Tell Jazz he is an emo.

48. Convince Jasper to try and cut himself.

49. Tell Jazz that you do not support the confederates and you think that they all should have died.

50. Get Alice's help to convince Emmett that sex is now illegal.

51. Convince the Cullens to eat human food.

52. Convince Emmett that he can become dictator of the world.

**(She's genius, right!)**

53. Crack blond jokes with Jacob when Rosalie is in the room.

54. Call Alice a midget.

55. When she freaks and becomes pissed say "Sorry, you prefer to be called 'little people', right?"

56. Tell Alice the pack wants a whole new wardrobe.

57. Ask Charlie to tell her about the birds and the bees just to see him squirm.

58. Tell Renée that she going to be a grandma and that the baby is for Phil.

60. Tell Charlie and Edward that she is pregnant and that the baby's daddy is Mike.

61. Replace all of Edward cds with Weird Al albums.

62 blame Emmett for the act.

63. Convince the Cullen women to with hold sex for month.

64. Where skimpy clothing whiles the Cullen men are home.

65. Come home from a date with Edward crying and sobbing.

66. When Charlie asks what happened sob-cry, "EDWARD WANT TOUCH ME!!!" and run up stairs crying loudly.

67. Call Rosalie fat and poke her invisible fat folds.

68. Eat gassy foods before bed and fat all night in her sleep.

70. Pretend to be asleep in a class that she has with Emmett, Edward, Alice, Jasper and Mike. Then, start moaning 'Jasper, make me feel good…' and send out lust.

71. Sleep talk with Emmett and Mike's name with the words gay and sex in the same sentence.

72. Declare her gay love for Alice and that Edward is her second choice.

73. Say that Jessica had a sex change and her name was Steve Hunter her sleep.

74. Tell Edward that Jacob imprinted on Emmett and is just denying his true feelings.

75. Dress up has an evil vampire and go down to La Push.

76. Declare a random day 'nudist day' and walk around town naked.

77. Beat Edwards Volvo with a bat.

78. Hide the Bat in Emmett Closet.

79. Tell Rosalie that Jacob has imprinted on her and picks on her to get her attention.

All the Cullen sat in that living room as they went over the list.

"Is that everything?" Alice asked as she balled up her Wal-Mart work vest and trough it in to the fire place.

Edward taught for a moment only to be disrupted by the girly screams coming from the back yard. They all ran to the back yard to see Jacob on the ground withering pain as he held is crouch.

"What happened?" All of them asked at once. He just lifted his shaky hand to point at Bella who looked shocked as she held an aluminum bat. They all look at her shocked and she said,

"What I didn't think it would really hurt him I was just curious!"

As Esme ran inside for an ice pack Carlisle grabbed the list and wrote down number eighty and hung it on the wall in the living room for everyone to see.

80. Hit Jacob in the nuts with an aluminum bat just to see if will hurt him.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this list. I have to recover from my butt cramp before I continue. Ha! Send ideas for vampire Bella!**

**Review!**


	7. Bella Cullen

**A/N: if you haven't realized this is vampire Bella.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Buggie Brown the Stuffed Dog!**

**Things Bella Cullen is Not Allowed to Do**

1. Go around scaring the humans.

2. Keep changing decisions every few seconds to cause Alice to have a headache.

3. Get Jake to help her scratch Rose's car.

4. Tell her Emmett did it.

5. Convince Rose that a good punishment would be no sex for a year.

6. Withhold sex for a month for a stupid reason like 'you love your car more than me and Nessie!'

7. Block everyone's mind just to mess with Edward.

8. Unblock her mind and think about sex with Robert Pattinson while with Edward.

**(Starthevampire's ideas again!)**

9. Make people think she is a ghost, late at night.

10 Show up at her own funeral and cry on the coffin 'Why! Why!' Then just walk away.

11. Taunt Jake that werewolves are almost extinct.

12. Flirt with every guy she sees.

13. Go to a gym and show up all the people there.

14. Remove her shield and think dirty things at a time when Edward can't act on it.

15. Make sure Jasper is in the room.

16. Be around the pack even though her smell bothers them.

17. Tell Jake that Nessie doesn't want to see him anymore because she has fallen  
for a stuffed bunny named Bun-Bun.

18. Also that he is fighting the evil cheerios that are plotting to take over the world alongside the gummy bear forces of Gummy world.

19. Go up and hug each member of the pack.

20. Walk down dark deserted alleys to see if any creeps will follow her

21. Tell the Volturi that they need a makeover.

22. Then not let Alice be in charge.

23. Keep reminding Rose that she can't have a child when Bella has Nessie.

24. Shield Alice so that they can give Edward and Emmett makeovers.

25. Shield Alice and make Jasper and Edward think that they were doing something naughty together.

26. Have Nessie help turn Alice's Porsche into the ugliest car ever.

27. Then blame Emmett.

26. Sit in a tanning booth and when nothing happens sue the place.

27 Tell Rose she is no longer the most beautiful girl in the world, Japer is.

28. Tell Jasper about how good self control she has.

29. Take Nessie shopping with her and buy a bunch of random crap that Alice would approve of.

30. Buy cloths in a size that are way to for Alice.

31. Then when Alice gets home and demands where they have been all day since she can't "see" Nessie; tell her about all the amazing sales she missed out on at her favorite stores.

32. Wear t-shirts and jeans.

33. Accidentally set parts of the new wardrobe Alice bought for her on fire.

34. Go to La Push and try to hang out at Emily's house since the treaty is already broken. Pretend not notice the packs (except Seth) disgust.

35. Tell Leah to stop being such a harpy and to get over it.

36. Turn Alice's wardrobe into all camouflage.

37. Record her reaction and put it on YouTube and then show her said video.

38. Tell Edward that she is much better at the piano than he is. Then demand a piano duel.

39. Pick up guy in bars and bring them home as snacks.

40. Try to see just how much strength she has now that she is a vampire by playing catch Emmett with Jacob.

41. Get Mike to be sent to an insane asylum by visiting him now that everyone thinks she is dead.

42. Leave the animals she drinks in La Push with a name tag that reads 'his name is Jeff take care of him!'

43. Tell Nessie that Jake is really her father not Edward.

45. Try to have pillow fights causing pillows to explode and feathers to fly everywhere.

a pillow fight with Jake when all the rest of the Cullens are away.

47. When they come back act like nothing is going on while trying to hide the pillows behind their backs and smiling all innocently.

48. Tell Esme that the house looks terrible and they should fire whoever decorated it.

49. When Esme tells her that she decorated say oh yeah you did a terrible job.

50. Make it look like a hurricane went through the house and then go to La Push.

51. When she comes home to see the house a mess act all surprised and ask suggestively what they have all been up to.

51. Leave a trail of blood to Emmett's room.

52. Tell the Volturi brothers to find something better to do then sitting around eating all day.

53. Give all the Cullens except Emmett red contacts to see what he does.

54. Wear the red contacts to visit the wolves.

**(Love'ya; Starthevampire****!)**

55. Paint the house tied dye.

56. Call Emmett over and ask him to hold the paint brush then scream "Esme Emmett painted the house tie-dye!" then take a picture for evidence.

57. Prank-call the Volturi.

58. Pretend to be an insurance agent for the vampire association of really old vampires.

59. Never give them a chance to speak, and then hang up.

60. Call Tanya and gloat that she married Edward.

61. When pregnant for vampire/human baby; don't pretend to have that alien thing pop out her belly. **(You know from Space Balls!)**

62. Laugh when Edward freaks.

63. Have a fake craving for pig's feet and BQ sauce.

64. Then throw it at Emmett when he hand it to her and demand he dance for her amusement.

65. Pretend to be horny when pregnant.

66. Give Jacob and Nessie the sex talk.

67. Prank call Charlie that the station is throwing him a going away party so be surprised.

68. Prank-call the president and convince him that evil alien cheerios are invading the Earth. **(Bush people, sorry he had it coming.)**

69. Convince Emmett that cheerios are evil and the want to eat him when he's sleeping.

70. Embarrass Nessie on her first date with Jacob.

71. Beat Emmett in arm wrestling again.

72. Go hunting in the zoo.

73. Seduce Edward then refuse sex.

74. Prank-call the Volturi with a reported sighting of a moonchild in Iceland.

75. Call Renée when she's at Bella's funeral pretending to be a ghost with a cell phone plan in heaven.

76. Secretly buy kinky outfits for her and Edward.

77. Buy Alice clothes from baby gap.

78. Accuse Edward of cheating with Tanya

79. Then slap Edward and demand a divorce.

"I can't believe we had to make a new list for Bella." Jacob said as he cuddled with Nessie as she rubbed her pregnant stomach. **(She's grown up, and they are married.)**

"What does he mean a new list?" asked Nessie. She looked to Edward/Daddy for an answer.

Edward opened a box that was caked with dust and pulled out an old piece of paper and handed it to his daughter. "The first one was made before you were born when your mom was human." She read over the list, giggling the whole time. When she reached the last one she gasped and looked at Jacob.

"My mother hit you in the jewels with a bat!" Nessie yelled, everyone laughed and except Jacob and Nessie. Nessie was about to growl at them when a noise came from the basement. Curiosity taking over them they walked/waddled to the basement. What they saw scared the shit out of them, well if they could shit. They found Bella dressed up as Hannah Montana and singing 'The Best of Both Worlds', she was even wearing the wig.

Her back was turn from her family and she was facing a row of chairs. In the chairs sat all of Neisse's old stuffed animals. Including Buggie Brown her favorite stuffed dog**. (A/N: He's on the profile, he's my favorite stuffed dog I won at a fair my town holds every year.)**

***

Oh yeah  
Come on

You get the limo out front  
Hottest styles, every shoe, every color

Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun  
It's really you but no one ever discovers

In some ways you're just like all your friends  
But on stage you're a star

You get the best of both worlds  
Chill it out, take it slow  
Then you rock out the show

You get the best of both worlds  
Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds

The best of both worlds

You go to movie premiers (is that Orlando Bloom?)  
Hear your songs on the radio  
Livin' two lives is a little weird (yeah)  
But school's cool cuz nobody knows

Yeah you get to be a small town girl  
But big time when you play your guitar

You get the best of both worlds  
Chillin' out take it slow  
Then you rock out the show

You get the best of both worlds  
Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both  
(You know the best) You know the best of both worlds

Pictures and autographs  
You get your face in all the magazines  
The best parts that you get to be who ever you wanna be

Yeah the best of both  
You get the best of both  
Come on best of both

Who would of thought that a girl like me  
Would double as a superstar

You get the best of both worlds  
Chillin' out, take it slow  
Then you rock out the show

You get the best of both worlds  
Mix it all together and you know that it's the best,

You get the best of both worlds  
Without the shades and the hair  
You can go anywhere

You get the best of both girls  
Mix it all together  
Oh yeah  
It's so much better cuz you know you've got the best of both worlds

***

When she was down she heard Nessie, Jacob and the baby's heart beats. She turned around and if she was still human she would be red. "This isn't what it looks like!" Bella held up her hands in defense.

Nessie wobbled over to Buggie and snatched him up. "I was wondering where he went! Mom how could you?!" Her pregnancy hormones got the best of her and she began to cry into Buggie's head. Jacob carried her to bed and after their shock Alice created a new rule:

80. Dress up like a music celebrities; then dance and sing in front of stuffed animals.

"You know, I didn't even see that coming." Alice said as they left the basement. Edward was still in shock. "That's why she has that wig; I thought it was for kinky sex….damn." He mumbled to his self.

**A/N: hi hope you love this update! Big thanks to Starthevampire, she created the idea for the ending! Please review! If you do you get more updates!**


	8. AN: Twilight News

**A/N: Yes this is an Authors Note… Just read it.**

**Twilight News**

The readers of were sitting in their living rooms watching twilight or some show that they will turn into a crossover. The TV's shut off and when the readers turned them back on a bedspring blond wearing fox ears and the outfit to match appeared on screen. A few tried to change the channel only to see the same thing.

"Hi I'm Fire-Fox66677 AKA: Foxy! We will return to you regularly scheduled program shortly. Till then SUCK IT UP!" She yelled. "Now on to my latest news." She shuffles through some papers and looked up smiling.

"The latest Story updates are Charlie's Twilight Angels, Catwoman: Twilight City and Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do. They have been updated for a week or two except Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do, I updated that one this week." She shuffles again.

"For my newest stories Pay Back's a Bitch will be updated soon. I have a great idea for the paint balls!" She jumps up and down and claps her hands while her Fox ears wiggle. She calms down after Star throws a wet fish at her. "Ew! Wet fish!"

"Anyway, moving on to 'What Really Happened'. The new one shots story for Things The Cullens and Swans Are Not Allowed To Do. It takes rules from the list of what the characters are not allow to do and tells the story of why that rule was made. The author Starthevampire is my co-writer in both the list and the one-shots. We write what happened for the rule we each came up with. Please read and review then and if you want to know why a rule was made let me know and it will be done." she smiles and looks at another camera. "Currently the rules that have been explained are Bella Swan number nine and never take Emmett to Chuck E. Cheese. Quite funny if you ask me."

"Now moving on, let check in with Starthevampire, AKA: Star, the one how trough the fish, with our weekly watch of the Cullen family, Star!" The camera moved to a girl wearing a bright orange shirt with swirly black designs all over it and a black fuzzy sweatshirt with dark amethyst jeans and bright orange converses. On her heads she wore orange and black kitty ears; behind her stood a wall full of Cullen pictures.

"Thanks Foxy!" She smiles and waves and looks to the camera. "It would appear that the Cullens have the Forks Police Department completely stumped as to how a dozen perfectly healthy trees were knocked down. It seems that the Cullens were hunting when Emmett made one of his usual comments to Bella. She decided that she wanted to test out her new born strength again so tackled Emmett into a tree hard enough to cause it to fall down. Apparently Rose was thinking some not too nice things about Bella causing Edward to launch himself at her. Alice and Jasper decided, what the hell, and started fighting as well. In the end they brought down about a dozen trees. The Police are still trying to find some way to explain how this happened." Star did a cute kitty thing then said, "Back to you Foxy!"

"Thanks star for that wonderful report. Last time we looked back at Tainted Love poor Edward was in a coma. He will stay that way for a while. Please read and review my stories and check out star's stories as well. They are really cute and sweet!" She stares of into mushy land and is snapped out of it by a ball off orange yarn smacking her in the face. She glares at Star, who is whistling looking the other way. Foxy shakes her head and returns to the camera. "I'm Fire-Fox6677 and bye-bye for now."

The TV's went dark and returned to the former program and the reads shrugged and went on line to read and review the stories.

**A/N: PLEASE I'M DRYING UP HERE FROM LACK OF REVIEWS!**


	9. Charlie Swan

**A/N: ok here is Charlie! Some of them are from when Bella is human and after her change. Enjoy!**

**Things Charlie Swan Is Not Allowed To Do**

1. Run around the woods carrying his guns while rolling around humming the mission impossible theme song.

2. Try to arrest Edward for possession.

3. Pull-over Mike Newton and make him dance and sing 'let me entertain you'. **(A/N: from Ella Enchanted.)**

4. Drink after midnight.

5. Hit on any of the Cullen's while drunk.

6. Watch Charlie's Angles re-runs.

7. Try to make his own porn version of Charlie's Angels with the whores on the corner.

8. Ask Carlisle to be Bosley.

9. Watch porn when he thinks Bella's asleep.

10. Bring out Bella's naked baby pictures.

11. Sell Bella's embarrassing home movies to Emmett.

12. Call Renée just to breath into the receiver to freak her out.

13. Make a voo-doo doll of Phil or Edward.

14. Tried to be cool or hip like the kids.

15. Install web-cams into Bella's room to spy on her.

16. Falsely accuse Edward of pimping.

17. Hire the prostitutes from number 7 to be Edward 'girls'.

**(starthevampire)**

18. Announce his true feelings for Carlisle while drunk at the reception of Bella's wedding.

19. Arrest Edward for something ridiculous.

20. Arrest Jake for indecency and tell him to wear more clothes even if he is part wolf.

21. Use his police cruiser to get donuts faster.

22. No installing motion sensors near Bella's bed.

23. No inventing crimes so it can seem like he is doing something.

24. No showing Edward what could happen if he and Bella did anything. **(A/N: from starthevampire: I was just watching a show and this guy came to get this girl and the dad showed him all these pictures of all the diseases you can get. It was so funny.)**

25. Refuse to talk to Edward since he does not eat donuts.

26. Ask Alice about what Edward and Bella do at the Cullens.

27. Hire a private investigator to follow Edward and Bella.

28. Hum the cops theme whenever he walks into a room.

29 Dress as a pig for Halloween.

30. Send Bella on a trip to a convent.

31. Ask Edward if he will become a monk.

32 Ask Bella if she will become a nun.

33. Set Bella up on a date with Mike Newton.

34. Leave fish bait in his pockets for when Bella does laundry.

35. Hire the La Push kids to kidnap Bella and take her somewhere far away.

36. Handcuff Jake and Bella together.

37. Use Jake for the police K 9 force.

38. Feed Jake dog food.

39 Have Jake registered as a pedo.

40. Have Billy sent to an insane asylum.

41. Cook.

42. Ask Emmett about what Bella and Edward do. (A/N from Star: I am sure Emmett will definitely NOT ease any worries.)

43. Try to convince Bella that Edward is gay.

44. Try to talk Billy into disowning Jake.

45. Try to get Edward sent away to join the army or something of the sort.

46. Tell Edward that Bella died.

47. Threaten everyone with a water gun or one of those ones with the suction cup darts.

48. Try to talk grownups version of teen which sort of sounds like gansta.

49. Ask Bella repeatedly why Edward does not invite her on his camping trips.

50 Tell Bella she was engaged to marry Jake since he was born.

51. Get two pet pigs and name them Rosco and Boss Hogg.

52. Tell Jake he's a good puppy.

53. Put Police tape all over the house.

54. Don't leave a spoon in the microwave causing it to explode. (A/N from Star:That happened in one of the fanfics I read. Bella was on the phone and was like 'You blew up the microwave?!')

55. Get dog catchers after Jake.

56. Give Jake dog biscuits and say 'Who's a good boy?'.

57. Try to play fetch with Jake.

58. Use gummy worms when fishing...it could attract something other than fish.

59. Ask Jake if he has fleas.

60. Visit at Edward and Bella's cottage.

61. Put a penalty on Jake's bike.

62. Ask Jake why he isn't cute like other puppies.

63. Put Jake, Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and Mike Newton all in the same cell.

64. Make a video of what happens and put it on YouTube.

65. Try to find out why everyone is always talking about evil cheerios and gummy bears.

67. Then when he finds out try to arrest everyone's cereal.

(End of star!)

68. Treat Jake like he's Lassie.

69. Make Jacob a vet appointment.

70. Dance to disco in the basement.

71. Eat cheese before bed.

72. Think of Edwards's murder.

75. Arrest Mike Newton and put him with Bubba the jails 'friendliest' inmate.

76. Force Paul to take anger management classes.

77. Prank call the judge saying I know what you do in secret.

78. Buy Jake a flea comb and flea shampoo.

79. Buy Jacob a doggie sweater.

80. Put dye Jacob's shampoo. **(Picture on profile, to see what his fur would look like.)**

81. Skin rabbits in front of Bella and Edward.

82. Buy Bella a chastity belt.

83. Buy Jake a leash.

84. Hit a Sue Clearwater after the death of her husband.

85. Buy a guard dog and train it to hate Edward.

86. Give Nessie caffeine and sugar; just watch her bounce off the walls.

87. Give mobsters the kiss of death.

88. Put hot sauce on Bella's slices of pizza.

89. Impound Edwards Volvo.

90. Tell Renée Bella's on her death bed just to see her.

91. Gamble life savings in Vegas.

92. Eat Emmett's jerky surprise; the surprise is its bear jerky.

93. Hang up Bella's naked baby pictures.

94. Try to sale Jake to government scientist.

95. Do an illegal search of the Cullen's mansion; in other words don't piss off Esme.

96. Train Boss Hogg and Rosco to be attack pigs.

97. Buy Nessie baby pig as a pet and name him Hammy; Emmett will drain him. **(A/N: I had a pet pig! My uncle ate him for Christmas!!!)**

98. Slice all the Cullen's tires.

99. Give Bella the condom talk along with Edward; record to give to Emmett, for a fee of course.

**Bella's POV:**

I am so ashamed right now it's sad. My own father has the maturity of….well lower than Emmett and that is sad! I looked over to Edward. He was crushing the tape that Charlie gave Emmett back before I married Edward twenty years ago.

"That better be the last copy Emmett!" Edward threatened. Emmett looked like a five year old who was in trouble.

"tttthhatts t-he-e la-st one!" He stuttered out and hid behind Rose. I lowered my shield and thought, 'pussy!' Edward laughed and stopped suddenly.

"Oh my god, that is way more than what I ever wanted to see of my father-in-law!!" Edward screamed as he ran to the bathroom and promptly though up.

Jacob walked in with a horror stuck look on his face, with Nessie at his side holding my grandbaby.

"What's wrong and why is you father puking." Nessie took my hand and showed me an image of Charlie naked in the ocean. With that I joined Edward in puking.

After the puke fest I wrote down number one hundred.

100. No skinny dipping in the ocean near first beach.

**A/N:**

**Hope you enjoyed!!! I bet you want to know what sex the baby is huh? Well where's the mystery in that?!!! Read and review my pretties!! No update till I get 15 reviews! Next is Emmett and Jasper together. It's juicy!**


	10. Emmett and Jasper Cullen

**A/N: Ok this is Emmet and Jasper all rolled into one! Their slots are kind of short so here you go!**

***Star you are a god sent and I couldn't do this without you; thank god I have you! Kisses!!!***

**Things Emmett and Jasper Cullen Are Not Allowed to do Together‏**

1. Fill condoms with paint and throw them at random people.

2. Blow up condoms with helium and tie them to Bella's truck before the last bell rings.

3. Stuff blown up condoms into Bella's truck cab to go with 2.

4. Stash condoms in Edwards's locker so they fall out in front of everyone.

5. Put a used condom in Bella's trash so Charlie will see it and go ape on Bella and Edward.

**(starthevampire)**

6. Steal Jake's bike and hang it from the bridge.

7. Dance around right next to the treaty line.

8. Make rude gestures at the pack from the treaty line.

9. Steal Bella's Hannah wig and wear it.

10. Steal Nessie's stuffed animals.

11. Suggest to Alice that she should take Bella shopping for the weekend.

12. While everyone is away, watch chick flicks and start blubbering like idiots.

13. Walk around talking like bimbos saying oh my god and the word like every few seconds.

14. Pretend to be cheerleaders.

15. Picture themselves doing stuff with their girls while Edward is around.

16. Pretend to be bunnies on crack.

17. Invite Bella S. to go sky diving without parachutes. **(Foxy: that sounds awesome! If we were vampires of course… Star: I know right!)**

18. Go around singing I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves as loud as they possibly can.

19. Try to join the Evil bland Cheerios when they should so join the gummy bears.

20. Try to tempt Bella C. with Newton and make her lose her really good self control.

21. Make bets on whether Mike and Eric will hook up or not.

22. Hang out in La Push and bug the mangy mutts.

21. Dress up as fanged vampires and go around hissing at everyone.

22. Tell Nessie that she was adopted while she is pregnant.

23. Try doing the laundry, they'll get stuck between/in the washer or/the dryer somehow.

24. Have a paintball gun fight, ruining Rose's hair in the process.

25. Ask Bella to join.

26. Convince everyone to be models in their own version of America's top model.

27. Prank-call people in the Cullen household with different accents.

28. When they figure it out ask why.

29. Challenge a bunch of thugs to a fight.

30. Act like mob bosses with stuffed cats and all.

31. Wear sequins and things.

32. Dye Bella's hair Edward's least favorite color.

33. Convince everyone that they are PMSing.

34. Pretended they are princesses from the land of Vampiria just to entertain Nessie.

35. Get everyone in the Cullen clan and have them pretend they are characters from Austin Powers.

36. Convince Mike Newton that condoms are a conspiracy.

37. Give Mike lessons on how to get a girl.

38. Play catch with Bella as the ball.

39. Walk around pretending to be military generals.

40. Kidnap Mike Newton to scare the crap out of him.

41. Stalk Newton in an obvious way so as to scare the crap out of him.

42. Tell Nessie about Jake making out with her mom.

43. Put Playboy in Edward's locker.

44. Put Playboy in Bella's locker.

45. Slip blood to Bella.

46. Give Bella sugar.

47. Get on a little kid's bad side (Who knows what the kid will do to them. lol).

48. Kidnap Bella.

49. Call Edward Eddie boy.

50. Replace all of Edward's CDs with Brittany Spears.

51. Go into Bella's room all the time.

52. Break the television when they get too mad at losing a videogame.

53. Trying to cover it up when they get a scratch on Rose's car.

54. Singing show tunes nonstop.

55. Taping a kick me sign to Mike's back.

56. Taping a Playboy bunny picture to Mike Newton's back.

57. Drawing a bull's eye on Mike's head while he is sleeping.

58. Send Charlie porn.

59. Tell Charlie that Bella and Edward do 'it' all the time.

60. Manipulate people's emotions to get stuff (videogames) for free.

61. Cross-dress and work the corner.

62. Pretend they killed Bella.

63. Convince people that the world is out to get them.

64. Start a food fight in the middle of the cafeteria, and then frame Mike.

65. Get in fights with Bella.

66. Get in a prank war with Bella (They would lose and probably get in trouble).

67. Going around hugging everyone and telling them they  
love them.

68. Play with hover discs in class.

69. Take embarrassing pictures of everyone and posting them online.

70. Convince Edward to eat food; then hold him down and force feed him when he refuses.

71. Laughing maniacally at absolutely nothing and then abruptly stopping and acting like nothing happened.

72. Trying to be evil geniuses when Bella is obviously better than them.

75. Trying to become baby sitters.

76. Trying to get Bella to snort pixie sticks.

77. Manipulating everyone's emotions to make them think they are drunk.

78. Convince Jake to howl at the full moon.

79. Get Bella and Nessie to help them prank everyone they possibly can.

80. Trying to make a bear skin rugs and sale them.

81. Trying to reenact King Kong.

82. Follow Charlie around to see what he does.

83. Hint at Charlie that maybe he should watch Bella more carefully.

84. Tell Charlie maybe Renee left him because he was a cop and she was a well known criminal.

85. Convince Bella to go to therapy.

86. Skip around Bella and Edward's meadow in the sunlight naked.

87. Start acting like twins with the while talking at the same time and doing the same thing at the same time.

88. Mimic people on the street.

89. Dig their own graves in the cemetery.

90. Getting into said graves and then abruptly coming out of the ground like zombies when people walk by.

100. Making fake crime scenes.

101. Put a bathrobe on a pineapple to disprove the observation that pineapples do not wear bathrobes.

102. Have a cowboy standoff.

103. Pretending to kill each other.

104. Make Bella laugh while she is eating lettuce and then making fun of her when she has lettuce in her nose. **(Star: Happened to me. It was so funny but painful. Foxy: yeah you told me about that!!**** I sneezed once but it was Mexican rice. It burned.****)**.

105. Give everyone weird nicknames like Binky.

106. Plan to have their next wedding in space.

107. Get pink diaries.

108. Try to read Bella's diary and then using it to blackmail her.

109. Go to Victoria's Secret and ask for something in their size.

110. Try to fly a plane.

110. Have Bella tell Edward that she does not believe in marriage.

112. Convince all the girls to dress up like guys and all the guys dress up like girls.

113. Shut the power off in the house (Obviously everyone can see anyway. They would just annoy them).

114. Teach Nessie how to climb trees like a squirrel and give her a Squirrel-girl costume.

115. Convince Nessie that she can fly.

116. Try babysitting Nessie's baby.

117. Run from a bathroom screaming bloody murder "The evil cheerios replaced the water with milk!!!!!"

118. Become the town's superheroes.

119. Trying to give anyone the sex-talk, even strangers on the street.

120. Buy a ton of random crap off of eBay.

122. Convince the girls to have a Mud wrestling compotation.

123. Giving obscene puppet shows.

124. Act OCD and throw everything away claiming it's all filthy and that they are Becoming germaphobs.

125. Take Nessie Mattress surfing.

126. Get everybody to switch clothes so that scents are all confused to mess with the pack.

127. Play with Barbie's.

128. Volunteer to go shopping with Alice.

129. Fill every swimming pool in Forks with gravy and mash potatoes; then push people into them.

130. Jump rope with little kids.

131. Try to act black.

132 Get in a fake fight to see how many people they can get on their side.

133. Pretend to be Bella's fairy godmother. **(Foxy: imagine Emmett wearing the costume.)**

134. Convince everyone to give up something for Lent.

135. Switch language with every other sentence while talking.

136. Or worse every other word.

137. Make up their own language.

138. Play extreme tetherball (They would break It. lol).

139. Run around in circles in the middle of the street.

140. Throw shrimp puffs at strangers.

141. Lick a werewolf on a dare.

142. Manipulate Eric, Tyler, and Mike to make a love triangle between the three of them.

143. Handcuff Lauren to Edward's left wrist and Jessica to his right.

144. Go to a concert and throw Bella's underwear onto the stage.

145. Answer everyone's questions with the word pickle-loaf.

146. Go skinny dipping in the fish tanks at the aquarium.

147. Pretend to be statues in a museum and only move when there is one person looking at them.

148. Memorize a movie and then sit on opposite sides of the theater shouting out obscene questions before the character in the movie says something.

149. Go in a bouncy house at some random birthday party.

150. Hang on the ceiling and jumping down on people.

151. Walk behind people and then when they turn around squirt silly string in their face.

152. Stick caramel apples to their forehead and walk around as if they have no idea.

153. Go around telling everyone about stripper clowns or hire one for Edward bachelor party.** (Star: They exist! (Foxy looks at her worried then begins to think. She grabs her laptop and Google's 'stripper clowns'.) Foxy: OMN!! (Oh my noodle) They do exist!!! To see what I found go to my profile!!).**

154. Pretend Emmett is having a baby.

155. Yell at people to push the button and when they ask what button look at them like they are crazy.

156. Go around yelling happy button and then pushing people's noses.

157. Have Emmett pretend to be Jasper's kid.

158. Act possessed.

159. Make up theme songs for everyone and then follow them around singing it so as to get it stuck in their heads.

160. Pretend to be demons from the underworld just to scare everyone shitless.

161. Whenever someone walks over to them stop talking abruptly and act suspicious while avoiding eye contact.

162. Try forming a punk/emo band.

163. Convince Bella to take pole dancing lessons for Edward's birthday.** (Foxy: It's good for the ass and abs. Star: gapes at Foxy. Foxy: what? I'm almost 20 I'm legal I want to take classes to. Star: ooookkkkk…moving on.)**

164. Tell Bella she should get plastic surgery.

165. Dump a bunch of sparkles on people.

166. Tell Nessie that Jake has loved her since before she was born.

167. Tell Nessie that Jake is cheating on her with the neighbors Dalmatian.

168. Tell Jake that he isn't the real father of the baby and Paul is.

169. Convince Nessie that she is a pirate and has to make everyone walk the plank.** (Can you see how that would backfire. Lol!!)**

170. Hold a séance and summon up the ghost of Edwards real parents.

171. Make a huge pile out of Nessie's stuffed animals and jump into said pile.

172. Kidnap Nessie and bring her to an undisclosed location where she will be pampered but don't tell Jake where she is. (After she has the baby of course.)

175. Dump water over Jake's head and ask why he smells worse rather than better.

176. Tell Nessie she is an Indian princess that was kidnapped from her tribe long ago.

177. Play cops and robbers with Bella, Nessie, and Alice.

178. Play assassin! **(That is such a fun game and it would be hilarious the lengths they would go through to get each other.)**

179. Play ding dong ditch...at their own house.

180. Drive Nessie to school and pretend to be her gay parents.

181. Throw all of Alice's clothes in the mud.

182. Try to help Rose with her anger management issues.

183. Try to sing Nessie to sleep. **(Foxy: imagine the scene from three men and a baby where they sing Marie to sleep but off key. Speaking of that someone needs to write a twilight fanfic for that. If any of you do write one tell me please.)**

184. Call Jake shark boy and ask why he doesn't hang out with the sharks anymore.

185. Tell Nessie that they think Jake is cheating on her with lava girl.

186. Get all the females to go around singing 'I Kissed A Girl' by Katy Perry while spinning in circles in the lingerie from the music video. Emotion tweaking involved.

**(Go Star!)**

186. Reenact scenes from M.A.S.H. 4077 with Charlie and Mike Newton. Charlie as Carnal Potter, Jasper as Hawk-eye and Emmett as Honeycutt; also Mike as Frank Burns. **(A/N: I LOVE THAT SHOW. Even if it's an old show.)**

187. Dress up like drill sergeants, go up to strangers and demand that they drop and give then 40 while yelling 'One! Tubby tubby! Two! tubby tubby! Ect.' And throwing the words 'maggot' 'probie' 'magee' or any other military nickname for low racking member in between. **(Foxy: This happen to me in JROTC. Really funny Jude…ha...ha.)**

188. Dare Mike, Tyler and Eric to lick the light pole in deed winter. **(A/n: the morons will do it.)**

189. Dress as Pinky and Brain for Halloween and sing the theme song the whole time while quoting lines from the show. **(A/N: Emmett is Pinky for obvious reasons and Jasper is Brain.)**

190. Go to the mall and pay the owner to close it for a week.

191. Dress Mike in a Bastia and thong, then hang him from the statue of Forks founder, Bob Forks, by the thong. **(A/N: I tried to do research to find the real founder but found nothing.)**

192. Dare Alice to dress like an elf at Christmas time.

193. Hang all Edward's boxers from the trees surrounding the entrance of the drive.

194. Streak around the town square screaming 'The cheerios stole my clothes!!!!'

195. Walk around town naked and act like they don't notice.

196. Give Charlie a heart attack by tricking him into walking in on Bella and Edward. **(Charlie; number 60.)**

197. Give Nessie the sex-talk.

198. Start a prank war with Jake and Edward, that gets all of them plus Mike Newton arrested**. (A/N: number 63 on Charlie.)**

199. Bongy-jump naked off the roof of the mansion or the police station or hospital!

**Edward's POV:**

Esme called a family meeting this morning to list out Emmett and Jasper's 'is not allowed to do list' it is now 5 pm. FIVE PM!!! I looked around the table to see my family deep in thought.

Nessie_-'baby baby baby……was that a whimper!?'_

Alice_-'Baby cloths baby cloth….'_

Jacob- _'Damn fleas! Nessie hates when I get fleas…oh shit I I have to sleep in the dog house tonight!!!!"_

Carlisle- _'I need to monitor Charlie's heart; he doesn't have much longer….poor Bella.'_

Rosalie- _'Damn I broke a nail while smacking Emmett; that can't grow back.'_

Charlie- _'Can't tell Bella what the doctor said.'_

Esme- _'ok that should do it?'_

"Anything else we forgot?" Esme asked and as if on cue the door bell rang causing my grandson to wake up and wail. Nessie ran up the stairs fast to calm him, while everyone else split for a break. Bella and I answered the door to find a group of people dressed for a party; a gay party to be exact.

"Is this the house for the gay party?" Mike Newton came forward…wait MIKE NEWTON!!!

"Cullen?" He sneered. _'God; how embarrassing!! Wait is he gay too!!'_

"No there is no 'party' here Newton." I sneered back, which I received a rib poke from Bella. She lifted her shield to scorn me for being rude and cleared her throat.

"Hi Mike how's Jess?" Bella asked with a sweet voice.

"Oh. Hi, Bella….. Jess and I broke up in college." He looked down and kicked a pebble.

"Oh, to bad, why?"

"We didn't work." 'I'm Gay and she found me with Tyler.' My mouth hung to the floor and my eyes went wide.

"I knew it...he's gay." I said so only she would hear. She looked up shocked and then looked back at Mike with a _'Are you sitting me'_ look.

"Well why are you here again? You woke up Jacob Jr., which I'm sure Nessie isn't too happy about." Bella said in a scornful motherly way.

"Who are Nessie and Jacob Jr.?" Mike asked with a 'what' expression.

"Well not to long after we got married, Edward and I had a daughter 'Nessie' and then last month she had a baby boy with her husband, Jacob." Just then Nessie walked down the stairs with a wailing baby J.J. cooing to him.

"Mommy's here shhhhh…Jake I swear if you have fleas again you are sleeping outside..." She said not even looking at Jacob as she sat down next to him on the couch. His eyes went wide and he ran to find Esme for help.

"Wow she has your hair…anyway we received this in the mail." He said as he handed me post card. It read:

_**Closet Party**_

'_**Are you a closet gay? Yes?! Then come to the closet party! Meet other closet gays and maybe go home together! Come to the following address on the 5**__**th**__** of November and party! (Insert address)'**_

"Bella look at this and tell me who it screams." I said handing her the card as I pitched the bridge of my nose.

"Emmett and Jasper….sorry everyone you've been prank'd!!!" She giggled out.

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Everyone groaned and began to leave.

"Alice we are tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb!?" I called up stairs to her and she answered back,

"In the trees!" I listened for their thoughts outside.

{**Emmett** & _Jasper_}

**Dude is that Eric Yorkie...and Josh Hunter, the first line men on the foot ball team! Dude!!**

_Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory!! And they're a couple…I knew it!!_

Te proceeded to laugh and joke and I chuckled to…'hey it's funny!'

"Any ideas as to why they sent the invites?" Bella asked as we walked back to the dining room with everyone else.

"Just to see who would come I guess..." I trailed off thinking of all the thoughts I heard from the group. Bella thought to and lowered her shield,

'Did you see Josh Hunter?' I nodded and sat back down as Esme and newly flea free Jacob.

"Alright now that Jacob is flea free is there anything else to add?" Esme asked and Bella raised her hand and Esme nodded.

Bella walked over to the end of the table and wrote something down and walked away laughing. We all looked down at the list.

200. Have a closet gay party just to see who shows up.

**A/N: ****Butt-knuckle! ****Now that I have your attention; Hope you love this chapter! I think we broke a record or something...I mean **_**200!**_** That is a lot. If you want more updates you MUST review. Please read the companion story for the story **_**'What really happened'**_** Star is working on more will I work on mine; if you have any request let me know mm'k. REVIEW! THE MAX I WANT IS…….23 AT LEAST 22. **_**IF NO ONE REVIEWS J.J. GETS IT! **_**Nessie Cullen is next. Also, I will try my best to update Tainted Love, but, if you want Edward to wake up you must give support if no support starts popping up on my email well you get the picture…..**


	11. Nessie Cullen

**A/N: Foxy and Star: HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!! REVIEW TELLING US WHAT YOU'RE THANKFUL FOR! Okay, here is young Nessie next is grown up Nessie, or Nessie Black!! Enjoy!!**

**Things Nessie Cullen is Not Allowed to Do**

1. Chew on the wooden furniture like a beaver.

2. Ask Jacob what doggie style is and why Uncle Emmy would want to do it with Auntie Rosie.

3. Make sure _everyone_ is with-in hearing distance.

4. Purposely leave a_** VERY**_ smelly and _**VERY**_ big present in dipper for everyone, and then proceed to giggle.

5. Ask Auntie Rosie if she knows what a blow-job is and ask her to give a demonstration.

6. Ask the age old question, 'Where do babies come from?'

7. Run up to random people and yell 'Silly rabbit Tricks are for kids!!!'Then run away laughing manically **(A/N: Foxy: I always wanted to give him some. Star: Me too! I always felt so bad for the rabbit. Why won't they give him any?! Mean little kids!)**

8. Form a band with her uncle's.

9. Sign the family up for the Jerry Springer show.

10 Sign her family up for the Dr. Phil show.

11. Leave a dead bird in the living room and frame Jake.

12. Go up to strangers (m/f) and cry, 'I can't find my mommy!!! Are you my mommy?' visa versa.

13. Have a midget wrestling match and enter Alice.

14. Try to train the pack to sit and beg.

**{Give it for, Starthevampire!!!}**

15. Help Emmett fill balloons with pudding so they can throw them at Mike Newton.

16. Sneak off with Jacob at odd times in the night.

17. Tell Aunt Alice to distract her mom.

18. Listen to anything that Emmett tells her to do.

19. Call Mike Newton daddy.

20. Tell Jake he smells and then push him into a pool filled with soap.

21. Help Emmy and Jazz with any of their plans.

22. Go around smiling evilly at people then walking away laughing maniacally.

23. Let Emmett shave her head to convince people that she has cancer so they can get stuff for free.

24. Invite everyone to a tea party from hell.

25. Convince Emmett to get married underwater.

26. Convince Auntie Rosie to do the same but dressed as a mermaid.

27. Convince people she is the female version of Jesus.

28. Go around shouting Bingo whenever someone says anything.

29. Ask Jake to be her horsey.

30. Do carpet angels and then hug everyone.

31. Repeat anything that comes out of Emmett's mouth.

32. Have a laughing contest with everyone in the house.

33. Start banning everyone from the house.

34. Make everyone dress up like super heroes.

35. Put pants on sponges to see if they will be like SpongeBob.

36. Carry around one of those super bright flash lights and shine it in everyone's faces.

36. Get everyone to dress up like lame superheroes and call themselves _'__Loser Force 8'__._ **(Star: I was bored so decided to watch Sonny with A Chance. It was better than I thought it was going to be. Foxy: I love that show!!!)**

37. Hold a mock trial of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. **(Star: I was watching college road trip. Foxy: I've never seen that.)**

38. Play chess with her pet pig, Hammy.

39. Tell her parents that she is going to the library when she is actually going to a party.

40. Argue with everything everyone says.

41. Go around measuring everyone's heads.

42. Start screaming for no reason and have everyone else join.

43. Make up her own happy dance.

44. Teach her pig, Hammy how to use the toilet.

45. Talk on the phone for long periods of time.

46. Say the same thing over and over again.

47. Draw a face on her stomach and make it talk.

48. Walk around wearing a face mask.

49. Carry her pig everywhere she goes.

50. Go around singing the spaghetti and meatball song.** (Foxy: oooo! I love that song!!!)**

51. Smear peanut butter all over everything.

52. Convince Emmett to dress like a ballerina.

53. Mismatch clothes to annoy the hell out of Alice.

54. Learn to squeal like Alice.

55. Ask Bella and Edward if she can get a dog.

56. Run amuck in La Push, and then blame Jacob.

57. Tell Aunt Rosie that her mom Bella is so much prettier.

58. Make sure to hug everyone every time she enters or leaves a room.

59. Try to become a ninja cheerleader.

60. Follow Emmett and Jasper around.

61. Ask Jasper what emotion that is when he sends out lust.

62. Ask why everyone always gets jumpy when Jasper sends out lust.

**(Star out!)**

**A/N: ok here's another author: **

62. Bite people for fun (except Jacob)

63. Scream "YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER" at Rosalie.

64. Date till the age of 25.

65. Run through the house screaming "I am Pikachu and I will shock you!!!!!"

66. Play pin the tail on the werewolf.

67. Sign the family and the pack up for the Big Brother show.

68. Hide in the mailbox just to scare the mail man.

69. Bring any type of furry woodland creature home.

**Bella's POV:**

Today is Thanksgiving and my family is flying to Organ for the festivities; meaning Charlie and Sue, and Renée and Phil. The pack, their imprints and Billy are coming too. The pack has finally come to accept that not all vampires are bad, so it's a huge relief. Before everyone arrives Carlisle called a family meeting to construct a not allowed list for Nessie. She has been really naughty; even if it was funny to scare the mail man it was wrong. We need some ground rules for when everyone is in one place. Charlie, Renée and Phil know about vamps and the wolves so we vampire won't have to pretend to eat. The Volturi tried to kill them but after that they became scared of me. My new power came out in my rage and they lost half their guard that day.

"Is that everything?" Carlisle asked as he wrote down number sixty-nine. We racked our brain for more but we came up with nothing.

"I think that everything…" I stated as Nessie ran to answer door to let Charlie and Sue in.

"Grandpa Charlie!!!" Nessie squealed in excitement and they spent time together whole the food cooked.

**~~~At Diner~~~**

Esme set the living room up to look like a grand dining room. Everyone sat down even if they don't eat and Carlisle said grace, well more of a toast.

"Today is a day to be thankful; Thankful for friends, family, true love, eternity with one's soul mate and the little miracle along the way." He gestured to Nessie; she is our little miracle and I'm thankful for her every day. "To be thankful for the alliances with past enemies and acceptance from others." Emmett, Jacob and Seth called out a 'here here' and Carlisle continued. "We come together today to celebrate all we have be given and more. Friends, family and true love; all these things are something hard to come by and I for one am thankful everyday that that vampire bite me in London for if he didn't I would not have the family I have today. Amen!" A chorus of Amen's swept the room and everyone that could digest food dug in while the vampires drank a blood wine Esme made. Nessie drank a blood-punch. All the blood is from animals of course.

As we sat at the table everyone talked and caught up. Renée talked with Nessie about silly thing and being a grandma. She loves Nessie so much and so does phil. Charlie and the guy had the flat screen one so they could watch football while they eat. Everything was perfect till Emmett teased Nessie about her crush on Jacob.

"Uncle Emmett shut up!!" Her face was beet red just like when I was human

"Not a chance!" Nessie picked up the bowl of mashed potatoes and chunked it right at his head. Everyone was silent then Emmett and Jacob declared war.

"FOOD FIGHT!!!!!!!!!" With that the food went flying. Charlie covered Billy while he rolling him to the next room. Everyone was throwing food at each other. I looked to my right to see Esme trying to stop the chaos.

"Stop, fighting!! Sto-" She was cut off by a pie in the face from Carlisle. She slowly wiped her face and stated with a glare, "Oh, it is so on!!" and began throwing candied yams at him. Alice ducked and weaved through the food trying not to ruin her cloths but out of nowhere a huge blob of pudding slammed onto her chest. All you could hear was a shriek of terror; followed by a Xenia war cry. I hid under the table with Sue as I looked for Edward and Nessie.

"Bella, love, where are you!?" Edward has he defended himself from the food.

"Down here, where's Nessie?" He crawled under the table and sat beside me.

"She's with Jacob and the Pack battling against Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie." I looked to my left to see Nessie on Jakes back commanding the pack to launch food at Emmett's team.

"Where is Renée and Phil?" I asked desperately as I looked around. I found them throwing food at each other like two teenagers in a high school cafeteria. I laughed out loud and Edward joined me. Sue was scared out of her mind so we got her out of there. After calming her down I help Sue to the other room with Edward covering me. After that we joined the fight. I looked over to at Edward and stated with a huge smile,

"I think this is the best thanksgiving I've ever had!!!!"

"I have to Agree, love, and Nessie will never forget this Thanksgiving!!" Edward laughed and we fought with Carlisle and Esme.

After the fight calmed down we started cleaning and joking about the fight. Even if Nessie didn't mean to start the fight both she and Emmett are grounded till February. After the room was spotless Carlisle wrote down the final rule.

70. Start a food fight at Thanksgiving dinner no matter how fun it is.

**A/N: Foxy: Sorry folk I'm having a bad dry spell with the funny and Star has school; so this will be the last update for a few months. I'm working on new chapter updates and a contest one shot so be patient. I want 37 reviews and I might update sooner! Look for new polls every month.**


	12. Nessie Black

**A/N: Foxy: Merry Christmas everyone!! Since the last chapter was Thanksgiving themed I thought Star and I would make this one Christmas theme!! Star: Happy Hanakwanzmas! I hope you enjoy our ideas! Foxy: what kind of holiday is that? Never heard of it. ****Star: Hanukah Kwanza and Christmas all joined into one word. haha. Foxy: Oh and happy****Hanukkah for the Jews!!**

**Things Nessie Black is Not Allowed to Do**

1. Dress Jacob Jr. in dresses, cute sailor outfits, elf outfits, doggie outfits or anything embarrassing.

2. Make Jacob sleep outside in the dog house when mad at him.

3. 'Accidently' bump into someone on the street showing them a vision of stripper clowns.

4. Have a make out session with Jake and (accidentally) break Edwards piano.

5. Blame it on Aunt Rosie and Uncle Emmett.

6. Become a belly-dancer.

7. Buy a trampoline.

8. Pretend to have post partum depression just to have a time from the baby.

9. Dance through the house singing 'I'm a Redneck Woman' when she is indeed not a redneck woman.

10. Kill Barnie in front of little kids.

11. Refuse to feed Jake Jr. cheerios stating they are evil.

12. Convince Emmett and Jasper that honey nut cheerios are glazed donut seeds.

13. Buy doggie lingerie.

14. Sign Jake and Jake Jr. up for a daddy and me class.

15. Buy Jake Jr. a puppy for Christmas.

16. Turn everyone in the Cullen family in to chipmunks just so they can sing the chipmunk song (Christmas don't be late**). (A/N: Nessie has a second power to turn herself and others into animals. Plus I love Alvin & the chipmunks. Star: Alvin and the Chipmunks are so funny. I can't wait for the squeakuel. And I love that song! Foxy: me either!! I have the album thou!! ****Star: haha. We haven't gotten it yet. The chipmunk voices annoy my mom. Foxy: gasp! I think their cute!! ****Star: Me too! But my mom is just old like that sometimes.)**

17. Make Jacob dress as a sexy Santa while she dresses as a naughty elf.

18. Give everyone coal for Christmas.

**(Star power!!)**

19. Convince Emmett to try to get Rose to have sex in space. **(Star: People have done it. They were trying to see if it was possible to get pregnant in space and found it was impossible. Or at least that's what my friend said.)**

20. Flirt with the other wolves.

21. Tell Jake she met a nice vampire.

22. Pretend Jake is a piñata when mad at him.

23. Send images of what she does with Jake to her parents.

24. Shout "You're not a virgin?!" at Rose in the middle of the school cafeteria.

25. Tell Jake she has ridden all the wolves and not tell him that it was when she was little.

26. Rip everyone's wardrobe in the house to shreds and make it look like the wolves did it.

27. Destroy the house and write all over it the wolves names in spray paint.

28. Get her dad in trouble with her mom.

29. Ask Carlisle if he has ever played Doctor with Esme.

30. Actually bite people when they say "Bite me."

31. Ask her parents for sex tips.

32. Dress in a sexy costume every day and deny Jake sex.

33. Send her parents on a honeymoon to the sunniest place on Earth.

34. Give her family all fake blood just to see what would happen.

35. Steal Alice's credit card and use it up on dumb stuff and ugly clothes.

36. Proceed to wear said clothes in public.

37. Throw cheerios at Emmett and Jasper so they freak out.

38. Convince Emmett and Jasper all the gummy bears died for the cause.

39. Have a funeral for the gummy bears.

40. Tell Emmett and Jasper that Mike was the one to kill them.

41. Give Jake peanut butter while in wolf form.

42. Steal Emmett and Jasper's videogames.

43. Blame Seth.

44. Convince Emmett to throw a boomerang.

45. Convince Emmett he is pregnant.

46. And that the child is Lauren's.

47. Plant pictures of Tanya in Edward and Bella's room.

48. Videotape Bella's reaction and put it on YouTube.

59. Give Jake a dog house for Christmas.

60. Harness Jake and the pack to a giant sled and yell mush.

61. Tell Tanya Edward is free.

62. Give Jake a dog biscuit when he does something that pleases her.

63. Spray Jake with water when he does something to displease her.

64. Put Hammy in a bubble so not to get swine flu.** (A/N: Foxy: Hammy is a vampire pig now!! Star: A vampire pig is gonna be interesting. What do vampire pigs eat? Foxy: If anyone has any ideas let us know!!)**

65. Get Jasper to start a riot in the mall.

66. Become a germaphobe and clean everything; even the woods.

67. Convince Emmett and Jasper that the world is going to end.

68. Tell Emmett and Jasper that the evil cheerios have won.

69. Have the weirdest cravings and make Jake eat whatever she eats too.

70. Not actually eat the stuff, just make Jake think she did.

71. Build Jake into a snowman just because he can't feel the cold and force him to remain there for a week.

72. Start a snowball fight with all of the Cullen's.

73. Convince Emmett to jump in a frozen pool and laugh when he gets stuck in the ice.

74. Help Jake with his dumb blonde jokes for Rose.

75. Tell Mike Newton that Bella wants him.

76. Make Jake sleep out in the dog house when it rains.

77. Stay away from him for awhile because he smells like wet dog.

78. Sign all the Cullen's up for Christmas Caroling duty.

79. Sing Christmas Carols in a really high pitch voice.

80. Give everyone a piece of string for Christmas and act all excited about it.

81. Be sad when they don't like it.

82. Throw sticks at Jake's friends and yell fetch.

84. Get a harness for Jake and walk him around like a dog.

85. Convince Emmett and Jasper that there is a bomb in the house.

86. Dress in dark clothes and skulk around town.

87. Dress in a really shiny jump suit to distract people as she does something funny to them.

88. Draw on all the Cullen's with sharpies.

89. Convince Emmett to get a pet monkey named Jimbo.

90. Throw peanuts at the monkey.

91. Convince Emmett that Jimbo is a superhero.

92. Tell Emmett he was adopted just to see how long it will take him to realize that he already knew that.

93. Accuse Edward of not being her real father.

94. Tie everyone up in Christmas ribbons.

95. Take down all the Christmas decorations down as Alice puts them up.

96. Throw snowballs at a bunch of random people.

97. Dress everyone up like snowmen.

98. Try to cook an egg on Jake.

99. Hang mistletoe everywhere.

100. Tell Jake she is leaving him for the hatter. (Alice)

101. Go around shouting off with his head at people.

102. Convince everyone that she has been to Wonderland.

103. Jump into weird holes in the ground.

104. Try to go through mirrors.

105. Randomly get up and run in a circle in public then sit back down like nothing happened.

106. Pretend hot blood is hot chocolate.

107. Do a 'Got Blood?' advertisement for the Volturi.

108. Sign the wolves up to shovel snow from every driveway in Forks and la push.

109. Put snow down Emmett's pants just to see if he would notice.

110. Stuff everyone's stockings with mud just to see what they would do.

111. Try to kill Emmett with a wooden stake just to make sure it doesn't work.

112. Change the passwords on everyone's computer.

113. Encourage a battle of the sex's tournament. **(A/N: Foxy: that's not a bad idea… Star: I thought it sounded like fun. XD We know that these people can be really vicious too.)**

114. Have confetti and balloons rain down from the ceiling on New Year's.

115. Set fireworks off in the house.

116. Use a noisemaker in various people's ears.

117. Give her dad and uncles blow horns.

118. Tell Emmett there are instructions for dangerous things on the internet.

119. Tell Emmett that he could never get in the book of World Records.

120. Give Emmett orange silly string.

121. After midnight be the first to do everything in the New Year.

122. Buy Jake Jr. a chew toy for Christmas.

123. Put on a bunny mask just to go around creeping on people.

124. Make a home movie.

125. Be overly perceptive and point out minor details to everyone.

126. Pull on Jake's tail when he is in wolf form.

127. Dress Jake Jr. up as a vampire to scare Jake.

128. Convince Emmett he can walk through walls.

129. Pretend to leave Jacob and take Jake Jr.

130. Ask the Volturi for a job.

131. Dump a bucket of yellow snow on Mike Newton.

132. Dress Jake Jr. up as a clown to scare Emmett.

133. Convince the family to play extreme twister.

134. Dress up as Bella, Alice, and Rose and then flirt with every guy in town.

135. Laugh when they all start getting stalked.

136. Try to convince the guys that their wives are cheating on them.

137. Do everything in slow motion.

138. Allow Emmett to babysit Jake Jr.

139. Get everyone to play cops and robbers.

140. Try to get everyone to reenact the wheel scene from Pirate of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. **(A/N: Foxy: That scene is so awesome it should be a ride at Disney world!! Star: It really should be! I would go on it ten billion times!)**

141. Booby trap the house while everyone is out.

142. Convince everyone to have a paintball fight; even after the troll incident.

143. Give everyone various nerph guns for Christmas.

144. Try to get them to play find the hay in the needle mountain.

145. Break into people's houses for no apparent reason.

146. Kiss a frog just to see if it becomes a prince.

147. Do anything that Bella, Emmett or Jasper tell her to do.

148. Put walkie-talkies in her stuffed animals and make everyone think that the animals are talking.

149. Pretend to be possessed.

150. Buy a motorcycle like the Knight Rider.

151 Buy Emmett a talking car like kit from the Knight Rider.

152. Juggle cheese ornaments.

153. Try to put Jake Jr on the top of the Christmas tree.

154. Start a cat fight with Leah.

155. Convince Alice to dress up as Tinker-bell.

156. Throw confetti in random people's faces every few minutes.

157. Raid Emmett's prank trunk.

158. Take pictures of everyone doing embarrassing things.

159. Post them on FaceBook.

160. Draw pictures all over the walls and blame Jake Jr.

161. Sign Jake Jr. up for Karate and tell him to practice on his father.

162. Ask Alice what it was like to be in an insane asylum.

163. Ask Alice if she is the Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

164. Get everyone to play live action clue.

165. Throw snap rocks at people. **(Foxy: Those are fun!!! ****Star: I like snapping them between my fingers and having people be like whoa!)**

166. Learn how to be a ventriloquist.

167. Stick her tongue out at anyone who looks at her.

168. Dress up as the Loch Ness Monster for Halloween.

169. Make it rain tinsel turning forks into Tinsel Town.

170. Pretend to have forgotten Christmas.

171. Pretend to get amnesia.

172. Go to the police and tell them she killed someone.

173. Tell Jake she loves coyotes more than wolves.

174. Call a family meeting and then not show up.

175. Convince all the women in the house to be spies with her with the guys as their targets.

176. Drop from the ceiling on ropes on top of the guys.

178. Convince everyone to get a FaceBook.

179. Clap enthusiastically every time someone tells a story.

180. Mud-wrestle with Hammy and then hug everyone.

181. Mimic Hammy for a whole day.

182. Silently stare at people in awe for no reason.

183. Put up a ridiculous amount of Christmas lights to blind everyone.

184. Bet Emmett he can't get in the ball that drops on New Year's.

185. Point at inanimate objects and start hysterically laughing.

186. Tell off inanimate objects.

187. Convince Jake Jr. to scream every time he sees Jake.

188. Dress everyone up as reindeer for a holiday card.

189. Kiss every inanimate object in the house.

190. Randomly burst into tears for no reason.

191. Lock everyone out of the house during a blizzard.

192. Tell her parents she's lucubrating at night with Jake.

193. Try to convince everyone she can get away with anything cuz she has boobs.

194. Tie Emmett to a tree

195. Then decorate Emmett like a Christmas tree.

196. Give everyone footy pajamas.

197. Play her versions of Christmas carols.

198. Make an outfit out of candy canes.

199. Throw water at random strangers when I below freezing.

**Third person:**

**The scene: the Cullen House; Christmas Eve.**

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house the Cullen's were stirring, disturbing the mouse.

The tree was tall and covered in Christmas cheer next to chimney with is fir roaring.

As a papa werewolf was snoring; a little were-pup was snug in his bed unlike the undead.

Little Alice dug through her closet for something to wear as Jasper wrapped last minute gifts with care.

Rosalie looked in her mirror as she proclaimed, "I'm the most beautiful and you better not deny for your balls will be mine."

Emmett just agreed with his hands on his bat and marbles as he played with a Dream Barbie Jeep he had made for tomorrow.

Esme and Carlisle sat by their fire as they talked for hours and hours.

Edward and Bella ran to their cottage in delight for their annual Christmas Eve Strip show held Christmas night.

But one Cullen or should I say Black was hiding in a gift box too small with no leg room at all. She was waiting for a fat man in red to come down the chimney. Yes Nessie black had a plan up her sleeve, to kidnap Santa on Christmas Eve. She was naughty yes this is true. She always wanted a stuffed penguin. Santa never left one for poor Nessie to hold on Christmas day, for she was bad and she knew it was true. So what could she do? She formed a formula in her head, a plan if you will, to capture this big fat lobster man.

Just as the clock hit midnight he fell down the chimney leaving sot on the white rug as he stood with sack in hand. As he emptied the sack of presents under the Cullen tree, Nessie jumped out with a bound and hit poor Santa in his crown a giant candy cane from a giant vile sale. He fell down with a thud as blood hit the rug. Don't worry; for he's not dead. He was just knocked out with a big bump on his head.

Nessie worked quick as she tied him up with twinkly lights with a star atop his head. She grabbed the sack as she ran outside. She jumped to the roof with a great big leap and landed lightly onto her feet. She ran to Santa's sleigh and hopped in before the deer could get suspicious. She was dressed from head to toe with a Santa suit of her own. The only thing missing was a beard but no way was she looking that weird. The deer looked at her in fear but did as she said as they flew out of sight into the Christmas night.

Around forks she rode giving coal to people she despised and gifts to the nice. Hours later she arrived back home with a tail to be told. She slid down the chimney to be met with her father and mothers glare. She looked around to see her family in the living room with a frown on each face. Santa was awake but with an ice pack on is crown. He stood up with a frown.

"Nessie black you are now on my permanent naughty list." He stated as he handed Carlisle the ice pack. "But since it Christmas day here." He handed her a box with a blue bow. She opened it to reveal a big smiling Christmas penguin. She smiled real big and hugged him tight.

"Sorry I stole the sleigh last night." She said as she let go.

"You have all of eternity to redeem yourself." He said as he left out the door up to the roof with a twitch of his nose. He hoped in his sleigh.

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!!!!!!" he called as he flew out of sight.

The Cullen opened gifts as the sun began to rise and the werewolves and humans rubbed sleep from their eyes. Esme walked up to Nessie's list with all the others and added just one last addition.

200. Kidnap Santa and take the sleigh for a joy ride.

**A/N: thanks to Candi Marie Cullen for her ideas; Numbers 4 & 5. Star and I wrote the final one together.**


	13. Computer Ninja

A/N:

Foxy: Hey, everyone. I am so sorry I haven't updated. My laptop no longer has wi-fi it broke. I have no access to a computer with internet.

Star: how are you posting this?

Foxy: mom left the dinning room computer on.

Star: so in other words you're sneaking onto the computer?

Foxy: um yeah why else would I be wearing a ninja suit?

Star: (looks foxy up and down.) When did you change into that?

Foxy: I'm just that good. But anyway I can't update unless I do a favor for my mom or I sneak on.

Star: ok well we just want you to know.


End file.
